Don’t Give Me No Static

I’m having a great day. I wore my favorite dress fresh out of the dryer. I looked good. I pulled on my boots and headed out.

I was starting to feel a little sexier than I credit myself. People at the gas station gave me a second look. The guy who handed me my coffee at the fast food place kinda gave me the once over…twice.

Well by now my ego had been stroked more than I ever recall. I’m at work and I’m strutting a little when I caught the eye of one of the visitors. He smiled and nodded. I smiled back but continued on. A few minutes later he walked by me and handed me a note on his way out the door.

After he walked out I opened the note expecting something sweet or even a phone number.

“You have a sock stuck to your butt. Have a great day!”

Oh seriously. Hear that? That sounds was my ego being deflated.

via Daily Prompt: Static
StaticDon’t Give Me No Static

Advertisements

Stupid Sh*t My Brain Does

So migraine day again… Time to redirect or brain towards other things…

Me…ugh Just go to sleep. Let’s sleep through this thing.

Brain: oh sure sure… Wait. What flavor of ice pop is your favorite?

Me: cherry, but what does that have to do with…

Brain: Did you give the dog her arthritis medicine? You know how she gets down in her hip.

Me: yes. I think. Crap now I need to go check.

Brain: Hey does it hurt when I do this…(throbbing above right ear even harder than it has been)?

Me: Cheezus Minetti, yes it hurts!

Brain: Soooo do you want to die yet? Asking for a friend…

Me: no. Yes. Hell I don’t know!

Brain: good. That’s where I’m pulling you.

Me: f**k you.

Brain: now is that any way to talk to your control center??

Me: just calm down so I can sleep.

Brain: have you taken your Magnesium and Vitamin D combo?

Me: yes.

Brain: what about your peppermint oil?

Me: yes.

Brain: maybe the lavender as well?

Me: yes already.

Brain: well have you tried the acupressure points?

Me: yes…and before you add I’ve tried the ice packs too.

Brain: well. Guess it’s time to break out the big guns. Crazy cat videos on YouTube.

Me: *sigh… Maybe that will work.

Brain: oh and by the way, you have to get up for work in 2 hours.

Me: As**ole.

The Absolute Suck of Daily Migraine

Thought process goes a little like this…

3:18 am..here it comes. Is it sharp and sudden today or will it be throbbing like a slowly rotating drill bit?

3:20 am…let’s go for throb and rotate. Great. That means it’s at least a 4-hour one. Goody goody.

3:22 am…do I take the over the counter meds Now since they may or may not help at all? Or do I work my pressure points until my fingers start to hurt? Maybe find my yoga position that Sometimes reduces it… F**k it, Just do all of it.

3:25..oh Lord it’s only been a few minutes. I think it’s getting worse. What did I eat yesterday that triggered it? Am I allergic to my cat, dog, bedding, kids, husband, job, life?

3:29…nope. Didn’t doze back of yet. (Downs a bottle of water.)

3:30…is it getting worse or staying the same? If it’s getting worse, it might be time to rock on all fours and bang my head against the wall. (Yes, that’s a thing.)

3:33…when did I take those meds? Only a few minutes ago, so I know it hasn’t had time to do anything yet but WHY HASN’T IT DONE ANYTHING YET?

3:37…Maybe some funny videos. Laughter really does seem to help mine a good bit of time… Hmm…funny cats, silly zoo animals, or stand up comedians?

3:41… Had it been long enough for the meds yet? Nope. Time to get the frozen peas slash ice pack.

3:42…ice pack making me forget a little. In between throbs.

3:44…more videos… I can just go to work a little sleepy today.

3:48…Maybe I can type some lesson plans, you know, Just in case it gets worse…

3:52…do you know How hard it is to type lesson plans for my sub with this?? Ugh.

3:54…screw it. Pull old plans, change date, put in this week’s goals and activities, add in comments about who can’t sit with whom, and call it a day.

3:58…sitting in the corner, isn’t the fetal position a yoga pose too? Hahaha, I slay me…

3:59…well here comes the delirium. Now I’m laughing at myself. No it’s not the Pseudo Barb Affect (sorry if I spelled that wrong…), it’s just my frustration at it all. They don’t call this the Suicide Headache for nothing. If I can laugh at something, it keeps me from crying.

**note to readers… No, I’m not suicidal. I can talk about the unrelenting pain as a reason why some may select this option. It’s one thing to get headaches. It’s quite another to get them constantly. I have seen first hand what suicide does to the family and I cannot do that to them. This pain I feel is NOTHING compared to what the Suicide of a loved one would do to my family. So NOT an option for me.

4:06…wait, I think I just might have dozed off for four or five minutes. Is out starting to…no. Never mind. There it is, still.

4:09…sudoku. Not sleeping. Might as well try distraction.

4:13…now I’m pissed off because I messed up my sudoku and now I have two 3s in one row.

4:15…change ice packs.

4:18…back to cat videos.

This may be a little flippant, but these headaches are truly no joke. This is an example of 1 hour in the process of dealing with a headache. Some days or lasts 3 to 4 hours, but other times, it’s an all day event.

I’ve had CT scans done on my brain. Negative. No brain. Or no tumor at least. I’ve had preventative meds but I built up a tolerance and had to come off. I know there are some new therapies coming out all the time. But let me tell ya, new meds are not affordable. Even the ones covered by insurance are still expensive.

But I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep searching. And I’ll keep laughing at it.

I won’t let it win.

More Sh** I Wonder About When I’m Busy Not Sleeping

Why is it hard to move a sleeping kid or pet off your lap?

If kitchen trash cans use 13-gallon bags, why aren’t all the trash cans the same shape?

If my dog knows I’m not home, is he still in the yard barking at the power lines?

Where do all the damn socks go in the dryer?

What is that smell in my car? Is there ancient food left under a seat or one of the kids’ funkified shoes?

How do the gas prices change daily when the fuel was delivered 4 price changes ago?

Why can I happily walk through Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada but walking around the block leaves me winded?

 

Apparently I Sweat the Small Stuff

Okay. So I need a new vacuum. Mine finally bit the dust.

Well not exactly. Now it won’t bite the dust, suck the dust, or even cover the dust. So time to shop.

I want cordless. I know, I know, many cordless models are known for not having long battery life. But either kinkind I get, I’m not the type to just go to the store and look at the 5 or 6 choices, and pick one.

I don’t do that.

I look up reports and reviews of all the top models in my price range. I actually read the reviews. So this one might have a 5 star rating but it’s only had 7 reviews. This other one may have a 4 star rating but that’s based on 1200 reviews.

I do this anytime. I think I’ve got that dreaded condition…FOBO. Which tv commercial was that? Fear Of Better Options.

What if the one I buy gives me buyer’s remorse?

What if it doesn’t work like I want it to?

What if I get a bum one that dies 1 day after the warranty expires?

THE PRESSURE!!!

I do this nearly anytime I buy any type of small appliance, large appliance, phone, tv, or anything I’m going to have and use for hopefully a long period of time.

Can’t I just go to the store and choose? Ugh.

Now That I Have a Teenage Daughter, I Owe My Folks an Apology

Jesus, hold me close to the cross so I don’t beat my child with it. (Just kidding y’all…) But dang it, she is testing my patience.

Every.

Damn.

Day.

I love her more than my luggage (You get that reference), but lawdamercy I swear I wasn’t that batshit crazy at her age. I swear I was at least 18 before I started acting as whacked out as these girls today.

And let me tell you, for a kid who says she hates drama, why in the world does she end up in the middle of it???

Now I’m not here to discuss opinions on birth control or not, abstinence or not, because errrbody has their own opinion on that. But teenagers today are just so much more exposed than kids were prior to this generation. They are bombarded with all kinds of mixed messages through their friends, their social media presence, and anything they buy. So let’s just say that sheseems so much older than I was at her age, even though she tries to act like she’s grown.

I try to talk to her and with her, not AT her. She does not respond to yelling, arguing, grounding, whatever. She responds better when she feels she’s being heard.

I’m just trying to do what I can to make sure she doesn’t grow up believing that she is entitled to everything in the world. I want her to understand that you work for what you need and want.

My boys didn’t give me nearly the issues that my mini-me does. She has lots of me but even more of her father in her. That scares him as much as it does me. (Love ya, honey.)

Here’s to lots of prayers, patience, and practice.

Moving Across the Country is a Pain in the Boo-tay

Oh dear God.

I just moved out west a year ago. And now we are moving back. Yes, Renee, I know we should have left a bunch of our stuff at Mom’s. But we really thought hubby’s job was going to keep him here for 3 years.

Not so much.

Well, since he’s playing on the traveling construction carousel, we are moving back to Georgia to be closer to family.

Any old how, last year we paid roughly $1600 for a 16′ one way moving truck rental. I’ve got to give my husband props. He loaded that truck like he was a champion Tetris player. It was stacked and packed top to bottom front to back.

Now a year later, same company, same size truck going one way from west to east has increased to $2150. Ugh.

This does not include the gas for driving my car which carries the kids and pets, the gas in moving truck, snacks/drinks every single blessed time someone needs to pee, and maybe a hotel room if we decide we just aren’t going to sleep in the car…

I swear if he didn’t have so much crap in the garage to move back across country, I’d say sell it all…

But once I look at it, we really do have more personal junk that is hard to let go of. (Clothes, tools, momentos…)

However a yard sale is in order. And when we go back across country, with the family, and all the pets, I really ONLY want to take back the personal belongings and work related stuff. Most of the furniture here can be sold. I’ll go shopping at Ma’s basement.

I’m not looking forward to the driving all day and half the night before I can talk the hubber into stopping for 2 or 3 hours sleep.

But whatever.

We will do it to get us back home.

Even out takes another 4 months to get our doggie smell out of the car.

**le sigh

 

Poo Poo Occurs… Usually While You’re Standing In It…In Flip Flops

Did you ever notice that the stupidest things happen and they take you completely by surprise? Well, obviously, they take us by surprise because we don’t usually walk out the door each day saying to outselves “Self, get ready because you are going to see some really stupid sh** today.” Maybe we should.

I mean, nothing stupid ever happens when you are prepared for it. Lets look at some real life examples…

You are walking in the mall slash store slash office slash bar and you trip over that ever elusive bump in the floor. You know the one. The one you don’t see until you stumble over it and give your best newborn baby giraffe impression trying NOT to look stupid by just falling on your ass. Then you look around to see who saw it.

Or maybe…You have lost your keys. Or your phone. Or your lighter. Whatever. You KNOW you just set them down in the coffee table or counter or dog or something. But you KNOW you set them there. But wait… They’re not there. Ugh. So you retrace your steps. Then you look around. Like maybe the spirit of your Great Aunt Gertrude moved them to the other side of the room. Then you ask your kid, friend, neighbor, cat to help you find them. So after 20 minutes of useless looking, you’ve decided that you not only lost your keys, you’ve also lost your marbles. As you drop helplessly to the couch, the missing item falls out of the couch cushion and onto the floor. Yep. Personal experience.

How about this… you’ve had a long day. The drive home is giving you time to relax. So relaxed, in fact, that you sit at the stop sign. And wait…… HONK!!!! The fool behind you is stomping on her horn and you are mad. Heck, its not your fault that the sign… Wait. Sign. Like an octagon in red with the word STOP emblazoned on it. Not a stop light. Soooo maybe you just really wanted any law enforcement nearby to know that you really REALLY stopped at that stop sign.  sigh….

Then there’s a person I know that I may or may not be related to that had a duh-moment so big that the whole family got a giggle out of it. I’ll call her Terri. She turned off her car and started to get out of it and the door was locked. So she looked all around to try to find what button unlocked the door. Mind you, she’s had this car for a minute or two. Not the first day in it, but it was the first time her doors didn’t automatically unlock when she turned off the ignition. So She’s calling her husband. And he comes out to the garage and points to the door lock. Beside her shoulder. Next to her window. You know..the one that you push down or pull up if you don’t have auto locks…. **names have been changed to protect my loony family.

I know we’ve all had a day like that. Sometimes you might even have weeks like it.

All you can do is take a deep breath, and sometimes even laugh about it. Go ahead. Laugh at yourself.  It’s okay.

The Things I Think About When I’m Busy NOT Sleeping

Ugh.

Y’all.

It’s 12:21 AM and I have to go to work tomorrow. To teach the mid-sized humans. And I’m staring at the ceiling.

What.

The.

Ever loving.

Hell.

You ever have those nights where your brain seems to just quietly drift off & next thing you know, it’s morning?

Nope.

Me neither.

My brain is thinking things like this:

1. I wonder how people in the polar regions get any sleep during the half of year it’s un-dark.

2. What size onesie did those baby sloths in the FB video wear?

3. Is my son EVER going to cut his hair? He’s grown so he won’t listen but come on. It’s longer than the Duggar girls’ hair.

4. Why do I hate to move a sleeping cat off of me?

5. Why does my little asshat dog wait until I’m asleep to come bark to go outside? And bark…and bark… And Cheezus, Mojo, really? Now?

6. Why do dogs walk out to the middle of the yard and bark? At nothing? Is it their way of telling the neighborhood “I am here and the yard is safe”?

7. Why do I love tomatoes but hate ketchup?

8. Same category, Alex. Why do I love cukes but turn my nose at pickles?

9. Why does my brain run stupid trivia at wierd times? (The only word in the English language with all of the vowels appearing in alphabetical order is FACETIOUSLY. And that’s including Y.)

10. Are we there yet? Morning, I mean.

11. Why is one of my thighs bigger than the other? Like to me, noticeably different.

12. I wonder where I put that other blue earring.

13. What am I doing awake still?

14. Could excess salt be one of the triggers for my migraines?

15. Could my cousin Lisa Brown Jervis run for public office in Covington, GA? Although she’s got way too much common sense soooo probably not.

16. Did you ever notice that kids of this generation really don’t know what a dial tone is?

17. Still wondering where my cat Fred went. 2 weeks now. #FredComeHome

18. Shut up brain…. Find the power switch. Or at least the snooze button.

My boobs tried to kill me…but I got better

In 2009, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And if you’ve read any of my stuff, you’ll know that I have to laugh at damn near everything. Because, well, sometimes life can suck but YOU don’t have to. Buh-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.

Anyhoo, there is a lot of funny shit that chemo patients can laugh about together, even though you mere mortals who haven’t kicked cancer’s ass might find it kind of dark. Well, that’s okay. We know that humor can be dark and still be meant to be funny.

Without further ado… welcome to the funny shit that SOME chemo patients (namely this one) got to laugh about during or after chemo/radiation treatments.

1.  Bald is sexy. Okay, maybe not so much to ourselves, but other people loved it on me. Apparently, I have good head. Or something.
2.  Eyebrows are definitely worth drawing on. I noticed that once I lost my eyebrows, people started giving me the sympathy look. So to make other people more comfortable around me, I decided to draw some on with eyeliner pencils. Right my old eyebrows used to be…and down to the cheekbones. At least if people wanted to stare, I wanted them to have something to stare at. 🙂
3. Not all chemo patients lose weight. Dammit.
4. Some chemo patients even gain weight. Dammit.
5. I made some t-shirts on that Cafe Press or whatever it’s called. I named my shirt group Tumor Humor. It was my tumor. I could name it if I wanted to. (And I did. Remember? I called it Ozzy.)  I made shirts like “The Bald and the Beautiful” and “Eyebrows are overrated” and other such silly stuff.
6. Sleeping through chemo is a gift. Unwrap it carefully so you don’t wake up the lady beside you.
7. There is no place in a chemo treatment room for negative folks. We will roll you ass out into another treatment room. Nothing personal, honey, but we are here to celebrate life and every additional day we have is “winning.”
8. When the nurse flushes your port, you lick things like a dog with peanut butter. That’s because you can’t help getting that saline taste in your mouth while they flush the port. Gag. But it’s funny looking to see folks around the room licking the peanut butter.
9. Benedryl is highly UNDERrated. I enjoyed that it helped me sleep during some of my chemo treatments.
10. Chemo brain is real, people. Let me tell you. Seniors think they’ve got CRS?? So do cancer survivors. (Bonus points for remembering what CRS means…)
11. I love the people who don’t tread so lightly around me. It’s okay. I love jokes! Even if they are dark. Laughter really is a great medicine!
12. Don’t accidentally assume that bald women are cancer patients. Some just like the look. If it wouldn’t be a problem for my husband, I’d have probably kept the bald look. I loved not having to buy shampoo for 6 months. My kids, however, had to remind me that I was the one with  no hair. Not them. Buy the damn shampoo, mom.
13. Not shaving for four months??? That was heaven, bliss, joy, hell damn near erotic.
14. Libido was gone. Do you hear me? I couldn’t care less that I wasn’t getting any. I felt bad for my husband, but he hung in there. Once the chemo was finished? Libido came back within about 4 weeks after the last chemo.
15. Hey ladies, if you want to feel at least a little sexier, make sure you wear earrings with your bald head. It’s a great look. And thanks to a fellow co worker from Warrenton, Georgia, a cool lady named Rasheeda Usry, reminded me…”Dressel, you really need to wear earrings. With you coming down the breezeway like that with the bald head and nothing else, you looked like a man.” (Mind you, she was laughing so hard I thought she was going to fall over. And it was meant in the most constructive of intent.)

Snow in the South

Okay okay….I get it. Everyone above the North-South line (you might not know we still call it the Mason Dixon) gets so tickled when we shut down for 1/2″ of snow, or rather what we usually get, ice. Well let’s put that into perspective.

I am copying and pasting a FB post by my cousin Lisa Brown Jervis. She illustrates so eloquently the issues with snow in the South. Wind her up…

“Further elaboration to the Snow/Ice Driving Theory:

*Snow/Ice/Super-Cold Temps in The South*

Greetings, Yankee & Midwestern Folks!

It’s common knowledge that if it’s assumed we’re going to get a hint of winter weather? Yes, we shut down. And yes, you people that live in places where you get snow to your armpits and stay below zero for 4-8 months of the year laugh at us.

Wanna know why The South responds the way it does…?

1. Cities/counties/individuals do not have plows, salt trucks, shovels, snowblowers, etc. There’s no reason to spend that kind of money to house and maintain equipment that may get used a couple times a year. Northern areas and bigger cities have a handful of said equipment to try and help the situation, but the effort is about the same as peeing on a forest fire to extinguish it.

2. Schools shut down because of buses having to travel on roads that are sketchy/unknown conditions. Just because your road is fine doesn’t mean they all are. Do you want your kids in a large vehicle that’s more prone to lose its grip on the road? Or everyone trying to drive to school at once with about 75% of folks just making a mess of it? Also- see #3. School’s without heat/water? They have to send them home anyway. Why bother in the first place?

3. Our homes/buildings are not built for freezing cold temps. They are built for the temps we reach and maintain for months on end, which is the same as Satan’s buttcrack. Jack Frost’s buttcrack is not taken into consideration because he only farts on us occasionally, as where Satan full-on liquid-lava-shits on us consistently more often than not. Pipes freezing/bursting, heating systems tapping out are all very real and frequent things that happen in freezing temps, and there’s nothing we can do about it except try our best to prevent it.

4. Folks struggle to drive in the best of conditions here. Add snow/ice? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah. I don’t even have to elaborate.

*4.1: Snow/Ice Driving Theory:

Most collision deductibles are $500. I’m willing to bet that most folks don’t make $500 a day at work. It is more cost & time effective for all folks involved for you to stay home, not risk damaging your vehicle, yourself or somebody else, and end up missing way more time than one day from getting your car fixed, doctor visits, etc.

Wait until the sun comes up and there’s a better chance to A. See B. Roads clear/temps warm. You’re not going to get some kind of dedication award. Truth be told? You die on the way to work, folks will be sad for a minute, then your position will be filled before you get cold in the ground/before your ashes cool off. No job is worth your life be it literally or working ridiculous hours.

5. Per #4, we have the fellas here with their jacked-up, 4×4 trucks that *think* they’re invincible because they have mud-grip tires with grooves so deep you could stash kindergartners in them. Well, if you are driving them on snow? Then yes- you’re solid. But guess what? Brakes don’t work on ice whether you’re in a Ford Fiesta or Grave Digger, Max D, etc. You wreck that $60k truck one time and you’ll get it. I hope. Science trumps Ford, Chevy, Dodge, Jeep, etc.

6. MOST IMPORTANT ABOUT #4: there are folks that HAVE to hit the road and go to work, and they do so to take care of US- first responders, nurses/doctors, City/County employees, HVAC repair, etc. Stay off the roads so these people that HAVE to travel TO TAKE CARE OF US stand a chance of doing so safely without non-essential jackwagons blocking their way/creating more work for them.

7. Folks that live in The South- y’all know we get a week’s worth of notice when the snow is going to hit the fan. If you don’t prepare with milk and bread? Then you’re an idiot and don’t deserve milk sandwiches anyway.

8. There’s already swimsuits in the stores now. If people didn’t buy winter wear last July? They are ill-prepared to be out in the conditions.

So folks in wintery places that this is your norm- point and laugh, we’re okay with it because we’re not as dumb in The South as people like to believe.

Folks here in The South? Bundle up, snuggle up, play with the babies in the rareness this is. If you have to be out and about? Please be careful and watch for idiots. May your pipes flow freely, your furnaces heat consistently, your milk stay cold and your bread stay fresh. The South WILL rise again!!

Just not today.”

**PS… If you do drive and you are in Atlanta, stick to I-285. It’s well knownto have ladders, mattresses, and tires all along the grass on the sides. If you get stuck, get one if the abandoned ladders to dig your way out when you slide off the road and one of the mattresses to rest in until it thaws or someone drags you out.

JS.